23 October 2015 – David Cameron has been skewered for bending over backwards to appease and satisfy Chinese President Xi Jinping during his recent visit to the UK. Downing Street has insisted that the week-long Chinese state visit secured “up to £40bn” of trade and investment deals … after scrambling for much of the weekend substantiate the figure.
I don’t think anybody captured it better than Robert Shrimsley, Managing Editor of FT.com and the writer of the Notebook column, a satirical look at the week’s news. Reprinted with permission:
UK’S CHANCELLOR MEETS A CHINESE OFFICIAL TO THRASH OUT STATE VISIT DETAILS
I’m afraid The Duchess of Cambridge doesn’t do bar work.
President Xi is looking forward to eating fish and chips at an English pub and wishes her to serve his food.
It’s a super idea, and the Duchess has a terrific sense of fun about these sorts of things, but I fear Buckingham Palace may balk at this. We might be able to get you Pippa Middleton.
Is she in the line of succession?
Not strictly but she is universally known as Her Royal Hotness, which is a great honorary rank bestowed on her by our fine news organisations.
The president will consider it a snub to be surrounded by commoners.
What about the Duke of Gloucester? He’s normally free.
Where is he in the line of succession?
Oh, very high — top 25 at least.
I will take this back to the president.
Excellent. Now, if we can get to the issue of inward investment.
The president is naturally very excited by the opportunity to invest in your crumbling infrastructure but . . . we must first settle the matters of protocol. Also your recognition of China’s territorial claims.
We have already agreed to the 5m exclusion zone around the pickled onions.
And that is appreciated but, if Britain is to build a special golden relationship with China, his Imperial Presidency will expect your support in sensitive disputed matters.
Well, naturally we will have to judge these on a case-by-case basis.
Of course, but we think you will find on a case-by-case basis that our case is the one you will wish to support. The Chinese people expect nothing less in return for keeping your lights on in the twilight of your nation’s history.
Now, I’m very glad you brought up the power stations.
China is excited to be owning a third of Hinkley power station. The president has admired Somerset since he read Cider with Rosie.
Ah — I think that was set in Gloucestershire.
China’s world view is not set by old imperial boundaries. Gloucestershire, for us, is part of Greater Somerset.
Well, we are due to look at local government boundaries. I’m sure we could see the case for creating a new Western Powerhouse. Now have I mentioned the upgrade to the . . .
Also the president would like cider during his pub visit, and would like Rosie to be present.
That may be difficult.
China will certainly regret being unable to help cover up the black hole in your investment budget.
I’ll see if she’s free.
That is most kind. The president has asked me to convey his delight that we can fund the repair of the potholes on the Hammersmith flyover eastbound.
The British people will be delighted by this tangible manifestation of the great friendship between our two countries. Naturally we hope that, in the years to come, the westbound section may also benefit from China’s support. Now, I do need to raise the thorny issue of human rights. We need to tell the British media that the prime minister brought up the issue.
We have no objection to you telling the media that. But we advise you to think very carefully before actually mentioning it. Winter can be very chilly without electricity.
But a good friend is a candid friend.
A quiet friend is even better, and we would like you to be China’s best friend in the west. The president often refers to you affectionately, with the ancient and honourable title of number one western running dog.
The prime minister and I are much honoured.
As a mark of friendship we would like to offer you both lifetime membership of Wentworth golf club.
Thank you.
I will need a cheque for £250,000.
Well, we’re not great golfers.
The president was also satisfied to see you no longer associate with the renegade splittist Dalai Lama.
The Dalai Lama? Haven’t seen him for years. Totally lost touch. Heard he was in France — they love him there.
Our relationship is too important to let Tibet get in the way. Tibet couldn’t even contribute to HS2.
Your approach is truly visionary.
Britain is a great trading nation. There’s nothing we won’t sell.